Mum's the Word at Boston University

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New York, New York

Life just got a little more difficult for the average American college student. As if it weren't already hard enough to wake up for morning classes with a small percussion section banging away in your head; now you can't even go to a hockey game without first having your mouth washed out with soap.

That's right, the Man has put his foot down again. But this time, he's sticking it right in your mouth.

Boston University officials recently banned swearing at all BU sporting events. Apparently, the policy is directed at the "Dog Pound," BU's spirited and often unruly student section at home hockey games. It seems that the student section offended the prudish administration during last year's BU-BC hockey game with the potty-mouthed rendition of the chant: "Rough 'em up, Rough 'em up, Rough 'em up. Go BU."

Damn the Man. (I'd already be kicked out.) What are sporting events without a highly offensive student section? Profanity is an integral part of the home field advantage. A visiting team enters a hostile arena to a chorus of boos and insults. That's the way it is. They're taunted all during the game. The crowd messes with heads, insults mothers and sullies the reputation of sisters. The bad players lose their heads. The good players deal with it and concentrate on winning the game.

Feel safe tonight: the BU administration is on guard.

But not at BU, home of the civilized and proper, where student spectators must act appropriately while taking in a sporting event or be unceremoniously ejected from the stands. Kenneth Elmore, BU's dean of students and the mastermind behind this draconian policy, was quoted as saying that he hoped that spectators returned to more wholesome cheers.

What a knucklehead. When has any athlete ever been intimidated by wholesomeness? Screaming, "Let's go Terriers" is about as rousing as a long night at the ballet. You want wholesome, go to church or an organic grocery store. This is hockey we're talking about here. Players deck each other; they fight; they get their teeth knocked in. That's why we love the sport. Is prohibiting cursing in the stands really going to make the atmosphere more righteous when blood is splattered on the ice? Maybe BU officials should create a new rule that forces players to graciously help each other up after a big hit and apologize like gentlemen.

The BU administration seems to think that cursing at sports events is a new phenomenon. School officials believe fans need to "return" to the days when chants were positive and everyone acted appropriately. Maybe officials were just too boozy to remember their stint at the university, but I'll bet good money they've told an opposing player to perform various sexual acts upon himself at least once. I learned my dirty words from my family. That's right, my father, my uncle, hell, my grandma even swore like a sailor. Profanity is not new.

There is some good news for all you foul-mouthed misfits, you profanity-packed rebels. Even if this puritanical ploy is strictly enforced and rowdy fans are booted, eliminating swearing won't eradicate offensiveness. Some of the most vicious insults are profanity-free. "Get off your knees, ref, you're blowing the game," and "bend over and show us your good eye" are notably void of curse words, and yet their meaning remains abundantly clear.

So how can the anti-swear policy ever be enforced?

Here are a couple of ideas. Fans could be prohibited from using all words that carry even a hint of unpleasantness. Blow, suck, phallus, lick, hairy, mom, sister, fat, screw, dumb, ass, bone. All would lead to a swift eviction. Only positive words would be permitted – or no words at all. Hockey could be played in silence. Maybe BU will be kind enough to pass out gags before the games – the kind the gimp used in Pulp Fiction. It's hard to utter a swear word with a rubber ball lodged in your mouth (also known as a buccal cavity which, stinks of offensiveness).

I understand that it's inappropriate for an eight-year-old child to hear some drunken student tell a player to fornicate himself. But, for the love of God, what's a dad doing sitting with his kid next to the student fan section? (You don't put the crib next to the kitchen knife set, do you?) And what did he expect at a hockey game? This is a sport that's built on provocative violence. Remember when Tie Domi beat the crap out of a fan in the penalty box or when the '79 Bruins fought the entire Madison Square Garden crowd. I know they have an "alcohol-free" section at Yankee Stadium, why not create a "swear-free" section at BU hockey games. Those pure and innocent could sit there and clap quietly for their team while students exercise their rights to question the promiscuity of certain players' mothers.

The rights and livelihoods of rowdy college students are under attack throughout this country. Strict control of beer consumption, early morning classes and criticism of the fraternity system have combined to deny students their right to be, well, just college students. Boston University is the latest institution to issue such totalitarian policies meant to scare students into conformity.

I say it's time to take a stand. Don't let them muzzle you, Terriers. Remember that whole sticks and stones saying, and you'll realize you ain't doing a damn thing wrong.