The Road to Collegiate Glory

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You hear it all the time, from your older brother, your next door neighbor, even that shady dude with the moustache working the checkout counter at the supermarket: "College, man, those were the glory days." Were? Those still are the glory days, man. But while college very well might be the closest thing we have to paradise on earth, that doesn't mean it's easy, especially that first year. For wide-eyed freshman, suddenly Mommy's not around to butter your rolls, your high school crew doesn't have your back and you – yeah, I'm talking to you, buddy – are legally responsible for your actions. But for the millions of students heading to college, it might be even tougher for student-athletes, who have to deal with the added pressure of weight rooms at 6 a.m. (honestly, can you think of anything worse?), hard-ass coaches in too tight shorts (yup, that's worse) and "stringent" NCAA academic standards. The road to paradise, it turns out, is perilous – full of sharp turns, falling rocks and potholes.

So, taking into account the trials of past athletes and coaches, I've decided to provide something of a public service – a few handy-dandy suggestions that should ease college-bound athletes' transitions and help keep their wheels safely rolling on the road to collegiate glory.

Rule Number 1: Low GPA, You Ain't Gonna Play.
Listen, I know you're dying to take organic chemistry and economics. But trust me: you don't want to overload your busy schedule with menial tasks such as taking notes and studying. So, either cozy up to a cheerleader (they really do know everything) or search the list of classes for "athlete friendly" courses. If you're planning on attending, say, Auburn, this shouldn't be an issue. Look for sociology and criminology courses taught by Professor Thomas Petee. He's your main man. This guy has taught more than 18 football players who have averaged a 3.31 GPA. Some didn't even ever have to pick up a book. If you were basketball player at Georgia a couple of years back, academics weren't an issue either. There was a class taught by the coach's son called "Coaching Principles and Strategies in Basketball." With questions like "How many points does a 3- point field goal account for in a basketball game?" the final exams have been tough. But I heard the professor was an easy grader. Both father and son coaches learned to spell the word fired.

Rule Number 2: Money Ain't a Thing.
College can be a financial strain. All of a sudden, you have to pay for everything from food to beer to laundry detergent. There's going to be a lot of temptation to make a quick buck by gambling online. I'm telling you, just don't do it! Consider poor Teddy Dupay, the hot-shooting guard who was dismissed from the Florida basketball team after betting on college sports. If that's not bad enough, check out Stevin "Hedake" Smith and Isaac Burton, two players caught in the 1994 Arizona State point shaving scandal who ended up playing their best ball in the clink. Even coaches can't bet on sports. Check out former Washington football coach, Rick Neuheisal, who lost his job by betting $6,400 on the NCAA Tournament. In this case, however, Neuheisal did end up winning a $4.7 million lawsuit, so it might seem that there are times when gambling might have an upside, but – to quote one of those often-ignored NCAA public service announcements – "Don't Cross that Line."

It's always best not to party with your head coach, even if he's buying the Naty Light.

Rule Number 3: Learn How to Party.
Strip clubs are a no-no, especially at Alabama, where ex-football coach and family man, Mike Price, was canned before he could coach one game for allegedly racking up a huge bill at a Pensacola, Florida, topless club. And if you think stripper house calls are a better idea, think again. Just ask any Duke lacrosse player.

Partying with your coach is also not smart, especially now that every cell phone has a built-in camera. Think Larry Eustachy, the former Iowa State basketball coach who was snapped at a party in 2003 carousing with students around a keg while holding a can of Natty Light. That didn't go over well with the stiffs in administration, leaving less-than-lucky Larry out in the street.

Rule Number 4: Knowing How and When to Tap Out.
If you're impaired, don't despair. Just get that beautiful baby hanging from your neck to drive you home – if you're lucky, she'll be the same cheerleader you sat next to in class. Who says partying can't help your academics? Ah, but back to inebriation. Even if you've ingested just "a little" GHB, don't drive. Check out the plight of former – as in, no longer – Ohio football coach, Frank "The Tank" Solich. Old Franky-boy used the well-worn GHB defense in 2005 to little avail. And don't plan on playing the "Do you know who I am?" card made famous by Oklahoma State basketball coach, Eddie Sutton; If he couldn't survive his DUI your wimpy excuse definitely won't fly.

Rule Number 5: Crack Is Whack.
As a rising athlete, your future is full of potential. Think about the house you'll have in St. Tropez, the six-car garage filled with Italian sports cars, the seductive secretary in high-heels and a mini-skirt. Don't go blow this future on drugs. Remember: Crack is whack. It sounds complicated, but it's very simple. Just ask Anthony Passley and Jordan Smith, basketball players at Tennessee who were suspended from the team after they were caught with the tiny amount of 15.2 grams of crack last year. 15.2 grams! What were they trying to do? Get the entire city of Knoxville high? And for God's sake, please don't try to smuggle drugs in your buttocks. John Kreft, the seven-foot recruit for Florida State, had his basketball scholarship revoked when police found cocaine in his bum-hiding place. Let this man's experience be a lesson to all college athletes out there.

Rule Number 6: A Meaningful Support System.
Life ain't easy at a new school, so find someone to watch your back. And not just any someone, but the biggest, baddest, meanest dude around. If you're at Miami, that means finding the next Ray Lewis or Warren Sapp and playing nice – or staying distant. If you're attending Stanford, that means becoming buddies with their mascot, the Tree. He was kicked out of not one, but two basketball games last year for disorderly conduct. Only in Palo Alto, is a perennial, woody plant the badass on campus.

Rule Number 7: A Few Final Lessons.
Don't ever lie (see George O'Leary). Don't ever steal (see Marcus Williams and A.J. Price). And, don't ever get too comfortable (see the Maryland-Baltimore County Retrievers basketball team who played so poorly last season that they were banished by their coach from their own locker room for six days).

Rule Number 8: Taking It to the Next Level.
After some quality time spent around campus, these rules should become engrained in your young-jock mind. If they haven't you'll probably be in the slammer or playing JuCo ball somewhere. But when it comes time to turn pro it wouldn't be a bad idea to review all the above regulations. Just ask the Cincinnati Bengals, whose arrest record is catching up in size to their roster.