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Best Actor
All I keep hearing is that Forest Whitaker is going to win Best Actor for his portrayal of Ugandan cannibal-dictator Idi Amin in "The Last King of Scotland." I guess if you're willing to make a guy that eats people sympathetic, you deserve an Oscar. After all, Idi Amin was a psychopath, and that's the second best way to win an Academy Award. Bet on Whitaker to win, but be warned that Peter O'Toole could slip in there at the last second because the Academy just loves old people. I understand Idi Amin liked old people too – for different reasons. Best Supporting Actor
They all say Eddie Murphy will win here for his role in "Dreamgirls," but I got news for you: Anybody who makes fun of fat people – especially fat, black women – is seriously messing with any chance for a film award, unless you're talking about a Food Network Award. If he hadn't made "Norbit," I'm sure Eddie would be a shoe-in, but he just couldn't say no to millions of dollars. Go figure. I'm taking a long-shot here and picking Jackie Earle Haley. You'll remember him from such films as, "The Bad News Bears" and… uh… well, did I mention "The Bad News Bears go to Japan?" Jackie is no longer a child actor, but he loves kids in "Little Children." Pedophiles are usually psychopaths and remember: Hollywood loves psychopaths. And old people. That reminds me: Alan Arkin is nominated here too. Watch him. He's old. Best Actress
Helen Mirren is the winner here. Why? Guilt. Pure and simple, Hollywood Oscar voters are full of guilt because they regularly get paid a ton of money to turn out pieces of crap and then sequels to pieces of crap. They feel guilty that people with real talent end up dying on the sidewalk with a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latté in their hands, and so they give Oscars to actresses like Helen Mirren even though she's in a movie nobody saw ("The Queen"). Of course they did give an Oscar to Marisa Tomei, so what do I know? Supporting Actress
I sure hope the singer from American Idol wins (Jennifer Hudson). She got voted off that stupid show with the help of that English ninny Simon Cowell, and I'd just love to see her accept her award and thank him, then flip him off. Pull for Jennifer, also in "Dreamgirls.." Best Foreign Film
"Pan's Labyrinth" wins. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about this category. I sure didn't. Best Documentary
If you think anybody except Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" is going to win this category this year, then global warming is affecting the part of your brain that deals with logic. Hollywood loves Global Warming, they love Al Gore, they love Democrats, and they're still mad about the 2000 election. Wouldn't it be funny if "An Inconvenient Truth" got the most votes, but still lost? Best Original Screenplay
Did you see "Little Miss Sunshine?" Wasn't it great? Did you see "Babel?" Didn't it suck? Well, here's some more Hollywood education: Serious film types don't like comedy. They don't think comedy even qualifies as serious movie-making, much less art, so they never vote for it. Forget the hard fact that comedy is much harder to do than drama; serious actors do drama. So "Babel" will win. But I'll bet that the producers of "Babel" would trade their stupid statue for the box-office receipts from one week of "Pirates of the Caribbean" in a minute. Best Director
Martin Scorcese has been making films so long, he actually made his student film with a chisel and dozens of flat rocks. The Academy knows it must give him an Oscar or he'll hang around until his eyebrows get their own zip code. On the other hand, won't an Oscar just encourage him to make another 75 films? "Hey Martin, how about doin' one about gangsters this time"? Best Picture
Ah… the biggie. There's "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Departed," "Babel," "Letters From Iwo Jima," and "The Queen." As you know, I thought "Babel" stunk on ice, but the theme of "Babel" is that racism is wrong. Remember that whole Hollywood "guilt" thing I was telling you about? Can you introduce me to any minorities that run movie studios or occupy the top spots on the Hollywood ladder on the business side? I didn't think so. Guilt rules. And the winner is: "Babel." |
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